Grieving Friendships

I’ve written and talked quite a bit about the importance of a solid community. But, what happens when you are already grieving a physical loss and someone from your community either begins to disregard and minimize your grief or walk away completely?

Well, in a word, it sucks!

As it turns out both of these things have happened to me over the last year or two and now, looking back at it, I’ve had some time to reflect.

I won’t go into extreme detail in order to protect the identity of the other people. But, I did want to share a bit of the story in order to provide some insight and also hope if you’re feeling down and grieving a friendship.

I can pin point two friendships that have sort of let me down, over the past few years. But, between those two, only one has dissolved almost completely and the other, just needed some space to recover. And, that is sometimes the case. Things that sometimes feel like they simply cannot be repaired, in fact can and those that feel repairable perhaps are not. And, both are OKAY!

When it comes to my own friendship that needed time and space, it was because much of the hurt came directly following Brady’s passing. So, everything felt extremely personal. Everything felt like an attack because his passing and my grief was so incredibly raw. I was still in shock and couldn’t separate what was about me and what wasn’t. I will say, this goes both ways too. Because, I have since had several conversations with this friend about what was happening in my brain and heart and why it all felt to personal and she also had revealed that the shock was real for her too. So, while there are still things we disagree on, we both can appreciate that neither one of us had the ability to properly acknowledge what the other may be thinking or feeling.

This is where time does help. I truly hate the expression “time heals all wounds” because I don’t feel like this is true, particularly with grief. It doesn’t heal but, it changes. But, in regards to friendship, time does offer perspective and that is essentially what allowed that friendship to be repaired. To be clear, I don’t anticipate that it will go exactly back to the way it once was because we can’t ignore what happened (for both of us) but, the respect is mutual and we can proceed with kindness and a new kind of friendship. And, I truly believe that now, we are both better equipped to be supportive to each other and anyone else’s grief.

When it comes to the friendship that truly required time to grieve because it really was over, it’s a bit different. For me, this is a friendship that was dissolved by the other person without much explanation BUT with quite a few jabs to my own character and a significant lack of empathy with regards to my own grief. And, this happened about a year ago. So, it was 6 years since Brady. Less time since Levi and the additional losses but, I feel much more versed at this point as to what I am feeling and what qualifies as personal or not. Contrary to the previously mentioned friendship when the hurt happened while thoughts and emotions were very messy.

These kind of bomb dropping friendship ends can feel like real loss. There has been no discussion, there has been no warning and you’re left feeling like the bad guy without really knowing how or why. So, you have to grieve them. You have to do what you would do if you lost a person in the traditional sense of the word. You have to feel anger, sadness and frustration. Because much like the death of a loved one, there is nothing you can do and it is final (in this life). But, while it is still uncomfortable if we are in the company of mutual friends and in the same room, I feel really comfortable with the loss of that friendship. Because upon lots of examination and encouragement from friends and family, it is clear to me that this is not a relationship that would serve me at all in the future and if I am being honest with myself, probably hasn’t in a really long time.

So, just let this be an encouragement to you that if you are grieving a friendship or if a friend seems to have a lack of empathy for your own grief it’s going to be fine. If it’s repairable, it will be repaired in time. And if it’s not, then they just aren’t your person.

Find your people. Your people are there!