When Grief Feels Like Fear
If you’ve experienced big grief. Especially if it’s consistent, repeated grief OR if it’s sudden and without much explanation, grief can transform very quickly from strait up sadness to very, very real anxiety and stress. If you watched a family member get sick, what’s to stop you from going through it? If you’ve lost children, what if something happens to your living children? what if you can never have children? If a passing is unexplained, what’s to say it just can’t happen again without warning? The list of questions goes on and on. And, you can truly stop yourself from living because of this paralyzing stress and fear.
That is why C.S Lewis said “No one ever told me grief felt so like fear”
But, As someone who has experienced and continues to manage that anxiety, I am here to offer some suggestions to assist with these anxiety provoking questions.
The most obvious of course is counselling. Counselling, therapy, psychiatry, whatever makes sense for you, is without a doubt one of the most valuable investments you can make during your grief journey. Find someone that you connect with (and it might not be right away) and have them give you a toolkit of strategies to help pull you out of the anxiety vortex.
BUT, If you’re not at the point where counselling is in your reach, here are a couple of pointers I’ve learned from mine:
a)Ask yourself, is this helping me or hurting me?
b)Tell yourself what you KNOW to be true. ie. I don’t feel physically sick, my bloodwork came back clean etc.
c)Practice mindfulness tasks to bring you back to real life and not the concerning future you’ve made up in your mind. Singing along to a song and cooking work well for me.
Get out in nature. It’s pretty simple but, a bit of vitamin D and fresh air can do wonders for your soul. Also, it likely means you’re getting a bit of exercise, going for a walk, a hike or heading to a playground. Which will only produce endorphins and bring some positivity.
Get all the tests from your doctor. Ask for blood work, ask for ultrasounds etc. Then you can logically rule things out. That way, when the questions come back you can revert to step 1b.
Spend time with your people. Find the people that give you life. It may be family, it may be really close friends and it’s very likely it may be someone you had very little interaction with previous to your loss. But, regardless of the who, these are the one’s who will allow you to show them that you’re scared and nervous but won’t allow you to live in that space.
Remember that the time you spend worrying about yourself or others well being is time lost on remembering and honoring the one you lost. So, throw yourself and your energy into a task that honors them and makes you feel good. For us it was a memorial golf tournament. Maybe you could create a little side business and donate profits to a cause that reminds you of them. Maybe you could sponsor a person, family or child at Christmas. The options are endless. But, remember that this is where the focus should be.
I hope you never have you use these tips. But, if you do, I truly hope they’re helpful.
