10 Practical Gifts for your Grieving Friend
I am sorry to say that I have been the friend who is grieving and the friend who is giving and neither one is a good place to be. But, without a doubt, the worst is the being the one who has personally suffered the loss.
I understand though, that if you haven’t been through the grief yourself, you probably really struggle with what to do, say and how to be of any help at all. So, I hope this will be of some help if you’re the friend navigating how to support those at the peak of their suffering.
Food Delivery Service/ Gift Cards for Uber Eats: Food is a universal love language. And, of course you could make something yourself but, then it’s on you re: allergies or whether or not they like what you prepared. This way they can decide when to use/ eat and they have some control over what they feel like eating. Because to be honest, appetites are unusual following loss. Some want it all and some want none. So, I would suggest a service like home chef for a week or two and/or an e gift card for Uber Eats.
Monetary Support: I don’t mean just handing over cash. That’s not personal and not logical to be honest, since no one really accepts cash or cheques and this would require them to leave their home to make a deposit or use it outside their home which they may not want to leave right away. But, I mean monetary support in the way of the ever-popular Go Fund Me pages, which is especially helpful if you have someone who’s had to take time off work to care for their family and themselves. Or, what was done for us, gather some friends and family and pool some money together and get a bank draft to the funeral home, church or service who is taking care of that and help subsidize the cost of that for them. Our friends were able to subsidize the cost of Brady’s funeral by almost half which was such a sweet, thoughtful and practical surprise.
Natural Grief Support: Following my own journey with grief, I found many options that worked for me, however my favourite to gift to a friend in need is Console touch. Console is specifically formulated for grief. It does not take the pain away or knock you out but, it takes the edge off and promotes feelings of hope. It’s one of those small tokens that shows you care and have done the research to see what may be helpful but, in no way does it require instructions or a commitment of use or purchase.
Resources: Online resources like: PAIL network here in Ontario is specific to pregnancy and infant loss and is a wonderful way to get connected and find the support you need. A simple list of contacts or calling them (or a more applicable organization in your area) and compiling the resources they suggest would be a wonderful gesture.
House Cleaning: Most grief stricken people that I’ve known, simply can’t take on the details of everyday life until they’ve processed their heartbreak. So, one of the things that can slip, along with meal prep, is taking care of the house. So, hiring a service to come in or offering to clean up and take care of the laundry for them is a wonderful gesture. If they have lost someone in their home, they may ask you to clean out a space, tuck items away etc that are too painful to look at. So, be prepared for that.
Memorial Space / Location / Landmark: Contact your local parks department and see if there is a way to purchase a memorial tree, bench, brick etc. Something that memorializes the person who’s passed on and a place to visit other than a grave sight which could potentially be too much right away.
Seeds / Gardening Supplies: Symbols of new life are a great gift. They’re cheap and they allow the person grieving to watch new life bloom as well as do the planting which is a quiet, non threatening activity to get them outside for some fresh air, which can do so much good.
Books (but not novels): I find this option particularly good for children. My favourite book that I was gifted and that I have since gifted to another is: Wherever you are, my love will find you by Nancy Tillman. This is a children’s board book about the love of someone (a parent, a child, a friend etc) finding you even if their not physically with you. It doesn’t necessarily suggest that a person has passed away, just that they are not physically beside you. But it’s a gentle way to show support and comforting to suggest the person they have lost is still with them in some way.
Donations to the hospital or cause that is close to the loss: This kind of gift is a pay it forward option. If someone has passed of anything other than old age and/ or if the person who passed had a favourite organization, you can donate to that cause in their name. This is a wonderful way to keep their name alive and show that their life can be about something even bigger. This is a nice feeling. I speak from experience here. While we’re on this topic, if anyone feels so inclined, our charity of choice is McMaster Children’s Hospital.
A hug: Free and sometimes the most effective is just a tight hug. Like a weighted blanket, this can physically slow someone’s heart rate and is the sweetest show of support.
I should note, because maybe this is hard to understand but, grief does not have a timeline. Most of these actual gifts would be particularly useful if your friend is in the beginning of their grief journey. But, if someone is continuing to grieve and have a hard time in what seems like “too long” to you, let me really blunt in saying, nothing is too long. Triggers will happen at unknown times and in unknown places and it’s so important to just make it known that you are there for them. Don’t be silent and show your support because even if you disagree, they are without a doubt already feeling alone in their sadness. So, please make it known that you support their journey. My suggestion would be if some time has past, the best gift you can give them is a quick check in. “Are you okay?” ” How are you holding up?” “Can I support you at all?”
I sincerely hope that this list has been helpful and that you never have to use it. But, if you find yourself in the position of the unknowing friend, I hope you can use this as a guideline.
Do you have any suggestions that were helpful to you in your time of need?
