Talking to Kids about Angels
Discussing children who have passed on, with other children is incredibly difficult. Especially if those children are siblings. Its just SO complicated.
I’m not sure if the way we talk about Brady and Levi ( and the other losses) is the right way, but it’s what we feel comfortable with and what seems to be working for Kyla too. So, I thought it may be beneficial to share some of the ways we incorporate ALL of our children in our lives today.
Kyla is almost 4. So, she is a little bit young to understand miscarriage and all the fear that goes along with that, so, we generally don’t discuss those losses in her presence right now. However, it is something we will share with her when she is an appropriate age to understand. But, we do talk about Brady and Levi with her.
She knows their names, she knows they’re her brothers and she knows they live in Heaven. And, that is kind of the extent of what she knows at this point. She doesn’t know that Brady was here with us and then wasn’t, she doesn’t know how quickly Levi had to leave us to be with Brady. She doesn’t know that they had a genetic disorder that shortened their time here earth side with us.
To her, they are people we love, people we share and people that watch over us.
We talk about them freely but without too much emotion because we want her to feel safe talking about them too. We also never want her to feel fear or think, she could “get” what they have. She can’t by the way. She was tested as a wee embryo and then again as a newborn.
If you have children that have passed or you know children that have passed and you’re struggling to share that with your own kids, I would suggest that you find a way to overcome that fear and just start saying their name. Eventually your own kids will ask questions “who is that?” “where are they?” etc. And, have those answers prepared. If you’re a believer, “they live in Heaven and they’re safe with Jesus.” If you’re not, “they live in the clouds and watch us from above.”
Eventually those conversations won’t feel so difficult and you’ll begin to welcome them because they allow you the opportunity to keep them alive and with you.
We work their names into songs at bedtime, we use them as examples as she learns the alphabet. So now, when we ask her to identify a word that starts with B, she ALWAYS says Brady. And, every time she does that, we have the opportunity to add “yeah your brother, Brady” and often the reply is “my brother?” and we reiterate “yes, you’re brother” and then that’s it. She doesn’t question that.
When the questions come about “how?” that will be more difficult. But, I think the how comes with age and at that point you / I will have had plenty of time saying their name(s), discussing who they are to you and your family and there will be a natural opportunity to share what happened. And again, in our case it will be relatively simple to explain our way out of fear for her because she was tested. But, if that’s not the case for you, if it was an accident or something that could appear at any time, I think that’s an opportunity to share the importance of tuning into your body and sharing with you whenever something doesn’t feel right. And if it’s an accident, the importance of being careful and diligent but also, living each moment to the fullest. Enjoy each day.
It’s hard to share this stuff with kids because you don’t want to destroy their peace. You also perhaps, don’t want to bring up any past pain to the surface. But, in my opinion, they deserve to know and ultimately, we can heal if we begin to acknowledge our own pain. And, further to that and the biggest reason for us to continue to share Brady, Levi and eventually, the other losses, is to respect and share the lives of those who no longer live here with us.
So, start saying their name(s). See what happens.
